


The Kitten-Shark™ Professional Security System: Recommended by Top Security Specialists Everywhere, Get Yours Today!

by alchemise



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Cats, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-09 09:07:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16446923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alchemise/pseuds/alchemise
Summary: Notice: The makers of the Kitten-Shark™ Professional Security System cannot be held responsible for any loss of life, limb, or personal property during the activation of the Shark!™ emergency response feature. The Shark!™ feature is not guaranteed to activate in case of emergency. It is advisable to use caution when rubbing the belly of the Kitten-Shark™ Professional Security System. Avoid giving the Kitten-Shark™ Professional Security System a taste for human blood; this may result in unexpected or unwanted activation of the Shark!™ feature.





	The Kitten-Shark™ Professional Security System: Recommended by Top Security Specialists Everywhere, Get Yours Today!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wnnbdarklord](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wnnbdarklord/gifts).



Todd was trying to pay attention to whatever the man in the ski mask was saying but found his concentration completely focused on the gun barrel pointed at his face.

"Back the fuck up! Right now!" The man accented his instructions by jabbing the gun right into Todd's forehead. It was an effective, though alarming, way to make the words sink in.

Todd scrambled backwards to stand next to Dirk, who was trying to speak reasonably to the armed men. It wasn't something he was very good at.

"Whatever you want, we probably don't have it. I mean, look around. This really isn't the type of business one usually robs. Are you sure you don't want to try the bank down the street?"

There were four of them: the apparent robbers. They certainly looked like robbers, in stereotypical black ski masks, all armed and terrifying. The one who'd pushed the gun in Todd's face responded to Dirk, "We know Mallory hired you. We know you found his fucking money. We know because we're the ones that stole it in the first place. We want it back. Now."

Oh. Right. The case they'd spent the past week working on. Todd had brought them the client (an actual paying one, for once), Mallory, who needed them to retrieve a bag that they'd been told had been accidentally left behind in a taxi. It had seemed innocuous enough, tracing the trail of the bag all over town, until he and Dirk had finally found it stashed in the trunk of another car after seemingly being passed around like the piece of lost luggage they'd thought it was. Todd remembered feeling a brief moment of peace and orderliness, thinking that the flow of the universe or whatever was moving correctly for once because it had all been so straightforward and unlike their usual cases. A part of him even wondered if they were finally becoming normal detectives, solving ordinary cases and getting paid for it. Until they'd opened the bag, found _a lot_ of money inside and realized they'd probably blundered into something much more like their usual messes. The bag was now tucked away in the bottom drawer of a file cabinet a few feet away from the angry masked men. Mallory was supposed to pick it up later that evening.

If only Farah had been around; she'd have made quick work of this whole situation with much less likelihood of any of them being shot. Unfortunately, she'd picked that week, of all weeks, to try and mend things with her brother.

The robbers continued their threats, but Dirk had grown unusually quiet all of a sudden. That made Todd even more nervous.

A bit of motion in the corner of the room drew his attention. It was the cat, stretching where it (Todd was reluctant to check if it was a male or female cat, since he didn't know how it might react, and Dirk didn't seem to care) lay sleeping on a chair in the sun. It reached its paws out, making itself look much longer than the small cat it was, then relaxed back into its lazy nap. He saw that Dirk was looking in the same direction and had clearly reached the same conclusion Todd was just coming to.

 _Uh oh._ He was pretty sure this day was about to get a lot worse.

"What the fuck are you looking at??" The lead robber followed their gazes to the other side of the room and nudged the man next to him. "Go see what's over there. Maybe it's the money."

The second man walked over near the cat and looked around the chair. "There's just a fucking cat, man. No sign of the money."

The lead robber turned back to Todd and Dirk, continuing with his threats and gun-waving. But Todd had tuned him out, watching with dawning horror as the second robber reached his hand out to the cat.

It might have been innocent. Maybe a naive attempt at a belly rub even. No one would ever know the robber's intentions.

As soon as he heard the shark emerge, Todd grabbed Dirk and threw them both behind the desk. They scurried underneath it and waited for the noises to stop. Especially the screaming. And tearing. And crunching. Todd put his hands over his ears in vain.

Eventually it was quiet, with just the occasional dripping sound to indicate the state of the rest of the office.

"Do we know any cleaning services? I suppose we should have found one when we moved in here. I wonder if you can have cleaners on retainer. Is that a thing? Not that we could really afford to pay them, but maybe cleaners would want to barter. What do you think we could trade? Is there a going rate for post shark attack clean-up? I hope the cat didn't eat any of the furniture. Or drywall. Maybe you should peak your head out and take a look." Dirk's ramble ceased and he looked at Todd, with fake nonchalance on his face.

Todd blinked. "No." He wanted to avoid the image that was sure to imprint itself on his nightmares for as long as possible. Maybe he could just stay under the desk for the rest of his life.

The cat walked around the desk and sat in front of them, licking its paws. Todd tried not to look at what exactly it was licking off.

"You know, in retrospect, it's actually a very good cat. At least we'll never need to buy a security system. Good kitty, well done." Dirk poked Todd in the side. "Go on, you don't want it to think you're afraid. Can cats smell fear? Can sharks?"

Todd actually thought there was a good point in there. If they were going to have a cat that was also a shark as a pet, it was best to keep it happy with them. He reached out a hand and scritched the cat behind its ears. It purred happily, contented with a job well done.


End file.
